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All That I Wasn't

When I was in high school I had big dreams and ideas of how my life should be when I reach 22. I think we all have ideas and fantasies of how our lives should be by then. And it's high school anyway. It's the time when you try to figure out yourself, and the time when the peer pressures are real. Everyone feels obliged to do what everyone else does because you're an outsider if you're not. I always knew that I don't fit into one category in those label boxes they put at the high school yard. 

The smart one, the dork, the cheerleader, the athlete, the troublemakers, the jocks, the loner, the nerd, and so on and so on it goes. Not just I never fit into one, I never saw anyone based on these labels or lived up to the standard that was set in most of my high-school fellows' mind. I was an anomaly. I was never the smartest ass, but I always had good grades. I was never the popular ones, but I wasn't a 'dork' or a 'nerd' either. I wasn't exactly the troublemakers, but I had my fair share of getting detentions for some juveniles action of skipping classes. I wasn't an athlete, but I could be one if I wanted to by accepting my PE teacher's constant demand for me to join the basketball team throughout my sophomore year. I didn't do what I didn't want to do. 

I never belonged to a 'clique'. I had several different groups of friends that I hang out with, and to this date, I'm still in contact with them. I never lived based on the expectation or demand of high school peer pressures, but at the same time I was never an outsider as well. When I was 16 I had this grand idea of how my life would be when I reach 22. I would have it all figured out. I would be traveling the world with my carrier bag, and earn money from writing stories of my journey. Life would be great. And who knows, maybe at 25 I would be married and have kids already. And boy, did I get all that wrong.  

At that time, the general consensus of how my other high school mates think of what our life should be would be having a steady job at 23, married, buying their first car and house, with a baby on the way. I just had a different dream. So, when I had a meet-up with some of my friends from high school, 10 years after the last time we saw each other at the school yard, I could see that many of my high school mates stick to that dream. We're 27, and most of them back to their hometown, married to their high school sweetheart, with a baby or two in tow and a steady 9 to 5 office jobs. Which for me is great that you get what you dreamed of! But it got little awkward when some of the girls asking me what I've been doing and why I haven't married yet in a denouncing way. 

Here's what I thought. It's not about right or wrong. I don't think there's a wrong or right way to live your life, we just have a different timeline and different road to take. If I had a career and you're a stay at home mom, that doesn't make my life worth more than yours and nor does it make your life less meaningful than mine. If I am not married yet, and your 3rd baby with your husband that you married when you're 22 is on the way, doesn't make me less a woman than you. When we're in high school, it's easy to get caught up in this kind of things and judge other people by their external accessories. Who's the prettiest girl on that year, who's dating the cutest soccer player, who's wearing the newest Nike shoes, or what do your parents do for a living. I was immune to all of that to a certain level, so I never had a hard time or trying to keep up with all those stupid ideas.

That meet up made me realize that for some of us, growing up doesn't mean that we can get out of that boxes. And it seems like that not every girl grow up to a better woman. How you live your life shouldn't be about what they think is right or wrong. And who's to set up a standard if one life is better than another? Shouldn't life is about to know your worth. Find what your happiness is. It's a process to find your self, and be kind. And if your timeline doesn't match everyone else, so what? And if your life journey is more winding and meandering than others, hell fuck that. It doesn't mean it's wrong. And I'm so grateful that I've never been in one of those boxes or lived up to their expectation. It's all that I wasn't and all that I am. And I wouldn't have it any other way. 

{Photo Source : Pinterest}


  1. Beautifully said. I needed to hear this. Thanks.

  2. Lovely read, I think everyone needs to find their own and what makes them happy.

    Ingrid |


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