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Love & Suicide


Dearest, I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. So I am doing what it seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier 'til this terrible disease came. I can't fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can't even write this properly. I can't read. What I want to say is I owe you all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that - everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't go on spoiling your life any longer. I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been. V

Virginia Woolf letter to her husband, Leonard Woolf, before she committed suicide. I can't decide if it's should be called a love or suicide letter. It's raw, sad, honest and romantic at the same time, but most of all, I think it's tragic. Virginia letter to her husband contained the feeling that she felt for him. How it's burdened her to feel like she's burdening him with her illness. How she decided to end her life so that he could continue his life in full-function. But at the same time, isn't committing suicide show that you don't love yourself enough?

I've never been like dying 'til I feel like I don't want to live anymore. I've never been in a situation where I feel like everything's gone and there's no point of life anymore. I've had an friend who once, in front of me, asked his mom to take his life because he couldn't take it anymore. I knew that he has a real problem. Coming from a broken family, a destructive father, a mother who's a devoted wife. Saving herself by sacrificing her children over her husband. But still. When I saw him like that, hitting his head to the wall and begging for death to come, all I wanted to do was knock his head hard enough to beat some sense. Maybe it's the lack of my understanding of such situation. Still, I can't quiet fully grasp it. I've been thinking about women writers today. Silvia Plath, Virginia - all bright. Died young. 

9 comments:

  1. I actually came across this letter not too long ago and wondered something similar. Regardless of what to call it, the writing is beautiful though. So real.

    I think history teaches us that writers (artists) are often not the easiest and happiest of people. Especially the ones who pour the words out onto paper straight from their core. A shame really, as they tend to be the ones that touch & brighten the lives of so many others...

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  2. the father of a good friend committed suicide. many years ago. long before we met. she had come to terms with it and called it brave. he didn't have any mental illness, at least not in the classical sense. I don't know why he decided to leave this life. but she said she was tired of people calling actions like this selfish or weak. that it takes bravery and strength to make a decision like this and to follow trough with it [not each and every suicide, of course], and I think she has a point. I don't fully understand it either. but while I was struggling with depression, the idea that I could end this was almost like a good friend I waiting in the distance. someone I could call and talk to should things go too far. I never seriously considered it, but the idea, the option had nothing scary or threatening for me.

    that said, I don't think there is a link between creativity and suffering or early death. people who die young simply allow us to project all kinds of things onto them. they can't ruin their careers anymore. can't make bad judgement calls. can't ruin their lives in other ways.

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  3. It's a tough topic. I knew somebody who committed suicide. I guess I will never really fully understand it. Suicide really makes you feel helpless.
    Hope you are having a good week, Niken!

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  4. People who thinks a lot often suffers a lot too, internally. I read her compiled letters, and some of her books, the emotions in it is raw and often lingers in my mind.

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  5. the letter left my heart broken. how she thought her illness was affected her loved one.. i think it's tragic when people feel that life is not worth living... i can't bear to think how lonely and terrified and sad they were feeling to come to that point.

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  7. That's tragic beautiful writing, isn't it. I have always been drawn to memoirs and poetry that are full of heartache, troubles and tragedy. I am interested in women writers who suffer. The letters of Plath!
    Also, even though Frida Kahlo didn't take her own life, her biography reads of strength and determination, pain and hardships throughout her life. Fascinating!
    That letter from Virginia is heart wrenching. It is obvious she didn't want to suffer anymore...and she wanted to free her husband. It's complicated, but I think I understand.
    I am having the yummiest espresso without you, Niken! ;(
    x

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  8. Such a powerful & difficult subject...especially if you have known someone who has suffered in this way.

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  9. What a haunting letter. Suicide is something I've never understand, but I'm trying to realize that there are some feelings people have an actions they take that just don't make sense unless you can really put yourself in their shoes.

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